i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
