dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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