I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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