i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize