According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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