not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
