i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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