I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
