yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
