Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
