I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
