you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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