Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
