real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
