True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
