The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
