his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
