I think im going to throw up on grandma
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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