every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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