Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
