Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
