Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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