These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
