I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
