My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
