Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
