Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
