My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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