bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
