Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
