Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
