We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
