Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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