I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
