I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
