**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I cannot find my penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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