So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
