My room smells like vodka and shame
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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