Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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