Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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