I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
