I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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