Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Mom said you looked used
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
