And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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