i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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