All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
