i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
