Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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