Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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