dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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