It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i barfeds in our rink
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize