If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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