I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
