i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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