So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
