This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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