my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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