Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
