If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
