I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
