Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
