Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
